10 Responses To Acquired Knowledge

1. I don’t know how to pronounce the name of my suburb.

Pray tell, what was it that you have been studying at Australia's premier university?

2. Leaving a pack of cigarettes outside while a mosquito coil is burning makes them taste like incense.

I believe a number of people may find that comment incensitive.

Pre-emptive fuck you for your response to that.

3. Cane toads are neither as big nor as ugly as I was led to believe.

You obviously haven't been trying hard enough to find the big and ugly ones. Much like a university degree or a relationship, it takes time and effort. Rome wasn't built in a day, and I think that you are setting unrealistic expectations on yourself, and the fuglies that are awaiting your gawking or golf club.

4. There are vinegar dispensers along the beach so if you get stung by a jellyfish you don’t have to pee on yourself.

Somewhere Bear Grylls is crying. If I find out that you've been using the vinegar dispensers, I'm going to pee in your breakfast cereal.

5. Townsville is apparently a tropical savannah climate, and the Köppen climate classification for that is ‘Aw’.

You knew what you were getting in to. Not a single fuck is given from me, or from Batman, as is displayed in the below pictorial:

6. It’s fucking hot up here.

Your friend Gary needs a bowl of cement and a good hard knock to the back of his sunburnt head. Sunscreen. SUNSCREEN!

7. Geckos are straight-up adorable and they make the cutest noise ever.

Geckos aren't adorable. Mechanic goanna's are as adorable as they are mechanic. Which is wholly. They are wholly adorable.

8. Job hunting sucks…

Take some initiative! Do something daring, but non-sexual. Like this hipster wanker from the UK. He may be a wanker, a hipster, and flat broke, but at least he stands out. Kind of.

9. I think about really weird stuff when I’m by myself.

Welcome to my world. You should come over one day and have a tea party with me and Cecil. We have an abundance of fun, creating star charts and setting up hidden cameras in nursing home bathrooms. One day we caught a croquet mallet whilst travelling into a non-visible spectrum!

10. It’s really, really fucking hot.

How hot is it?